This is getting far more interesting than i thought. If you've been following the last two episodes of Miss Ese Walter's story, this kinda comes as a follow up. For a brief intro, Miss Walter is a lawyer, writer and radio personality.
I guess she couldn't handle the heat after her very
sensitive revelation yesterday. Ese has
deleted her Twitter and Facebook accounts. No official statement from the
church yet. Meanwhile, Ese wrote a touching letter to Jesus before she publicly
made her confession. Read On
Dear Jesus,
I think I have erred
this long because instead of getting to know you, I chose to pretend I already
knew you.
Perhaps it was because everyone acted the same and I didn’t
want to feel left out. Maybe I had heard about you too long to say I didn’t
know you.
The truth however is, I really didn’t know you. It was
impossible to fathom your love or why you would give it to a stubborn like me.
Everywhere I went to find comfort and a way to relate to you, I was deceived.
The people, the church, the pastors, the messengers of
peace…. All were out for their own selfish gains. After trying to understand
what it meant to hear someone say “Jesus saved me,’ I finally gave up.
After moving from gatherings to gatherings I started to
realize most of the words that proceeded from the mouth of the saints were mere
words with no meaning. It was a damn religious circle and I was done with it.
Then there were the ‘mantles’ in form of handkerchiefs,
anointing oils, gimmicks, dead works, pride in men who claimed to work for you
and are generally referred to as ‘men of God.’ Reverence that bothered on fear
for human beings, blind following of the pew, sexual immorality amongst pastors
and their members, greed, politics in the affairs of the church and the list
goes on and on.
I really was sick of it all Lord. So, I gave up. I didn’t
mean to quit but something in me had seen enough and I didn’t want to be a part
of the whole charade. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I ran. Further and
further from your people and also from You.
I ran right back to the mud you brought me from. I ran back
to the familiar. I ran back to a system that was real and thriving and even
though it didn’t fill the void I felt on the inside of me, it numbed the pain.
It was good to be with people who didn’t pretend to believe
what they didn’t understand. It felt safe to know that I wasn’t ever going to
need to say “Jesus saved me” without fully understanding what that meant. I
found peace with people who were real enough to say, ‘I want to live my life as
I please and not have to account for nothing.’
It was easier to stay
home on Sunday mornings than gather with a set of people who couldn’t
understand why I didn’t fit in or who looked down their noses at me when I wore
something they considered ‘unholy’ to the ‘house of God.’In all, it was great I
was pushed out. It was great I stayed away from all the drama, stories, lies,
greed, judgment and what not that pervaded ‘your house.’ Above it all, it was
great I started to feel empty again.
This emptiness drove me to a deeper search for meaning. It
drove me to me. It drove me to search the scriptures for myself, perhaps for
the first time. And most excitedly, it drove me to You.
As I grow in knowing you Jesus, I realize that more and more
of my authentic self begins to emerge. I realize that it’s not so hard
forgiving those who have hurt me. I realize that I don’t have to be like
everyone else or judge people. All I need to do is accept your love, your gift
of salvation and rest in it.
I have no intention of ‘spiricoco-ing’ up neither do I point
fingers at the way people choose to live but I have made up my own mind to
embrace the light you bring and by my living, show others just how simple it
is. Because of my experiences and the way I keep surviving, I am gentler with
others and myself. I don’t fully understand my process yet, but I am learning
to see me the way your word says you see me. I am attracting into my space,
people, circumstances and events that are putting me right on the path I want
to travel.
Today I say thank you. Thank you for staying with me like
you said you would. Thank you for your Spirit that leads and guides me into all
truth and continues to lead me even when I insist on holding on to a lie. Thank
you for not allowing me die before my time. Thank you for the hope and
assurance in my heart. Thank you for helping me develop a stronger sense of
purpose.
Thank you for the tender heart I have. Thank you for my
LA187 family, they have helped me in more ways than they could ever imagine.
Thank you for my biological family who aren’t perfect but are just right for
me. Thank you for peace, joy, love, understanding and the ability to empathize.
Thank you for health, for soundness of mind and complete functioning body
parts.
Thank you for your blood that speaks better things than the
blood of bulls or goats (my mind is still trying to comprehend what all that
slaughtering was about back then though) lol.I am coming back to the heart of
worship Jesus and it’s always been about you.
As I continue on my path, please continue to keep me. For
the most part, I don’t know what I am doing but I intend to stay true to the
‘knowing’ in my heart.
At the end of my time here, let me say “I fought the good
fight, I finished the course, I kept the faith.
Yours in service,
Ese Walter.
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